How to Vacuum with a Toddler Around

Check cleaning schedule. Quietly pat self on back for having a cleaning schedule, even if you rarely stick to it. Find that today is "floors day." Immediately decide that it is only "vacuuming day" because you're going to vacuum all the hard floors instead of sweeping them. Try to convince yourself that you're being efficient, not lazy.

Dig vacuum out of storage room. Knock over skeins of yarn that haven't been touched in months because you don't have time or energy for a hobby.

Turn vacuum on. When child screams with excitement, pray that she will still be this excited about the vacuum by the time she is big enough to use it. Begin vacuuming. Child will decide that this is the perfect time to inspect the pretty lights and colors on the vacuum by standing directly in front of it. Turn off vacuum. Child will ask "all done?" Say "no" and ask child to move out from in front of vacuum. Proceed as planned.

Move to hallway. Tell child not to stand on vacuum cord. Vacuum halfway down the hall. Stop to put the diaper pail that's been out since trash day back in child's room. Child will ask "all done?" Say "no."

Finish hallway. Move into child's room. Tell child not to stand on vacuum cord. Push books and toys out of vacuum's path. Tell child not to stand up in rocking chair. Turn off vacuum. Child will ask "all done?" Say "no." Repeat process in other bedrooms.

Go back down the hallway and through the living room. Bypass dining room because you never use it and don't plan to use it anytime soon, and ain't nobody got time for vacuuming rooms you don't use.

Move to kitchen. Child will decide that this is the perfect time to throw all of her alphabet/number magnets on the floor. Vacuum around child and magnets, then change mind and turn off vacuum to pick up magnets. Child will ask "all done?" Say "no." Wipe beads of sweat from forehead and remember a time when you didn't get winded from something as simple as picking up magnets off the floor. Promise to get back into an exercise regimen. Immediately forget promise.

Finish kitchen and move to den. Discover that child's entire library is spread out all over den floor. Throw books on coffee table and other furniture because it's faster than putting them away. Proceed with vacuuming. Tell child not to stand on vacuum cord. Finish and turn off vacuum. Child will ask "all done?"

Say "yes, but only with the vacuuming." Now, about the dishes...